I feel sorry for anyone that reads my blogs. I could write this all in my journal, but one, it would take forever, and two, I seriously don't want to remember what it felt like after having a baby, emotionally, physically, and mentally.
I feel like I have a weight inside that I carry every day and it's not just because I'm heavier than I have ever been. Christians would tell me it is the void where God is supposed to be and going back to church and "doing right" will fix it, but that's not what it is. I have never been this unhappy with myself and I tell myself that it is because I hate the way I look, but I have never been that shallow. I always made fun of girls that were like that, with no confidence and the lack of ability to see themselves for who they truly are. I am now one of those people. The kind of person that puts herself down all the time, publicly. It is NOT because I want someone to tell me otherwise though. I know people get sick of it, so that's why I am saying everything here. I don't want to be that girl. I wish I could embrace who I have become, I am different now than I have ever been. Everything is harder, but my life is better objectively, I have a family, I have my own place, I don't HAVE to work anymore, but why do I feel so stuck? It's not a question really, I don't need a diagnosis.
I have been gaining weight steadily and it is definitely not normal. I think it is my birth control this time. It is funny because if I saw another woman with my body, I would think that she is beautiful. I still have all of my curves, but instead of an hourglass, I am more of a figure-8. I was so touched the other day when one of my friends told me that she thought I had a beautiful body, like Kim Kardashian. I almost cried.
Today, I started a 10 day juice fast. It was meant to kind of get me into the zone and phase me out of whites and junk. I carefully prepared my juice for the week and started. I was fine into breakfast, I kind of actually skipped the juice until about 12, then I guzzled it down without tasting it, I don't enjoy the taste. Then I attempted to go on an hour long walk. 45 minutes it, Edin got fussy, so there went that. I did it though. Hours went by, I preoccupied myself with this and that. I felt hungry, but not desperate, I thought "I can totally do this". Then hubby got home and he was hungry and grumpy, we kind of fought and I gave up. I had to go grocery shopping, plain and simple, who has that kind of discipline? Everyone on my fb seems to have done it and everyone is so encouraging, so I'm going to try it again, ease into it this time. See if I can go all day tomorrow. My brother kindly offered to give me some tips on losing weight and keeping it off. He and his wife are super fit. It's humiliating to be so helpless.
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
Babysitting
I babysat a 2-yr-old today and it made me realize that I am not cut out for multiple babies at a time...and I do not want girls. Her mommy told me that I have a beautiful body and it was the nicest thing I have heard from another woman in a long time. I must have gained 10 lbs during Thanksgiving. We had 4-5 dinners with all the trimmings. I didn't think I could get bigger.
My sister-in-law has a 6 pack and is a total exercise enthusiast. She has her own youtube channel and runs a fitness class that she ALWAYS invites me to. I'm at the point where I don't want to workout with other people, especially not fit people. I can push myself, but when my full effort is barely in the beginner section, it's humiliating. I don't know how to tell her that I just don't want to humiliate myself, I just end up making excuses. It kind of makes me feel worse about myself too because it seems like she invites me to do it WAYY too much, like she is trying to tell me something. When I know I can keep up and not be the least fit in the class, that is when I will feel comfortable. I know it's stupid, but I'm the kind of person that gets fit in levels and being fit enough to join a class or go to the gym is when I'm pretty damn fit. I'm definitely not there yet.
I read about something called Seasonal Affective Syndrome today. I had never heard of it, but it makes soo much sense and I think I have it. Ever since fall gloom set in, I don't want to go outside, I don't want to work out, and I'm just gloomy all of the time.
My sister-in-law has a 6 pack and is a total exercise enthusiast. She has her own youtube channel and runs a fitness class that she ALWAYS invites me to. I'm at the point where I don't want to workout with other people, especially not fit people. I can push myself, but when my full effort is barely in the beginner section, it's humiliating. I don't know how to tell her that I just don't want to humiliate myself, I just end up making excuses. It kind of makes me feel worse about myself too because it seems like she invites me to do it WAYY too much, like she is trying to tell me something. When I know I can keep up and not be the least fit in the class, that is when I will feel comfortable. I know it's stupid, but I'm the kind of person that gets fit in levels and being fit enough to join a class or go to the gym is when I'm pretty damn fit. I'm definitely not there yet.
I read about something called Seasonal Affective Syndrome today. I had never heard of it, but it makes soo much sense and I think I have it. Ever since fall gloom set in, I don't want to go outside, I don't want to work out, and I'm just gloomy all of the time.
Monday, December 2, 2013
Punishment and Potty-training
I finally got everything decorated and it looks so nice. I love the bright color scheme we went with : Fuschia, lime green, baby blue, turquoise and purple. My house smells so good: Christmas trees and cinnamon (I got those yummy smelling pinecones and I'm still trying to figure out what I'm going to do with them). I painted my dresser ombre in shades of yellow chalk paint and it looks so good. I was so proud of myself. I also got these wall decals for my dining room area that have all kinds of bright colored kitchen utensils framing the word "Eat". It's about time my house reflected my personal style.
Kelly suggested that I start implementing punishment with a naughty chair. I didn't even think Edin was old enough to understand punishment. So I got a box and wrapped it in pretty wrapping paper and put it in the corner. I tried it with him today and when I put him on it, he lit up like a christmas tree, like I had done him a great service. The next time, he cried because he was afraid to get down but after a while, he calmed down and began to enjoy it. After that, he tried to put himself on it for kicks. I don't know about that boy...
Last night, I moved his pack 'n' play to our room because his room gets very cold. He cried a lot last night because he couldn't go back to sleep. This morning, he climbed out somehow. He is so sweet.e
He is fascinated with the tree, of course, and I feel bad punishing him for taking down the ornaments, because he tries to put them back.
Next week, I am going to get him a potty chair so we can officially start potty-training. So punishment and potty-training is starting all in the same week.
Kelly suggested that I start implementing punishment with a naughty chair. I didn't even think Edin was old enough to understand punishment. So I got a box and wrapped it in pretty wrapping paper and put it in the corner. I tried it with him today and when I put him on it, he lit up like a christmas tree, like I had done him a great service. The next time, he cried because he was afraid to get down but after a while, he calmed down and began to enjoy it. After that, he tried to put himself on it for kicks. I don't know about that boy...
Last night, I moved his pack 'n' play to our room because his room gets very cold. He cried a lot last night because he couldn't go back to sleep. This morning, he climbed out somehow. He is so sweet.e
He is fascinated with the tree, of course, and I feel bad punishing him for taking down the ornaments, because he tries to put them back.
Next week, I am going to get him a potty chair so we can officially start potty-training. So punishment and potty-training is starting all in the same week.
Friday, November 29, 2013
Black Friday and other concerns
It is Black Friday, at least for another hour. I normally don't shop today, there is usually nothing I want enough to withstand long lines, abuse and overall havoc, so I stay home. I did shop today though and the best part was, there was virtually no lines. I bought a printer, a memory card, and a vacuum cleaner for 81 duckets on Walmart.com. Later on, I went with my sister-in-law to the 99 cent store (they don't have black friday deals) in search of Christmas decorations and we hit the jackpot. I bought all of my Christmas tree ornaments, skirt, topper, and other decorations for under 30 dollars. The reason why I am so excited about this years' Christmas is that it is, one, my first year in my own place, and two, my first year decorating for Christmas and having a Christmas tree. We also got our tree today. I'm so excited about my tree that I am afraid that someone is going to steal it. I feel like a child, it is like Christmas has become new to me. Tomorrow we decorate and I can't even sleep, I'm so giddy. Edin and I are going to be equally amazed by our tree.
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Who I Wanted To Be
"You're the at only you, and that's what makes you special", what a true and useless line, right? That's what we say to kids to make them feel less insecure. I always believed that I was special, but I still wanted to be someone cooler than I was. I have always been funny, not to EVERYONE, but at least to myself, and I feel like a lot of the things that made me different and quirky were kind of an EFFORT.
The idea of having friends to talk to and know about music and actually enjoy listening to it ALL THE TIME, having an active blog life that consists of "catching up on favorite blogs", knowing where to look to find cool websites that aren't on pinterest of links on facebook, actually having a life outside of those two sites is so romantic to me.
My teenage self was pretty cool, I thought I had friends then, or at least people who wanted to say they were my friends. I guess those were my glory days. I don't have friends now, if the definition of a friend is someone who actually calls me, that idea in itself is kind of romantic. I watch girl-power movies sometimes and they always seem to have a group of girlfriends and I think, "do normal girls actually have that?" A support group of women that can relate to each other on more levels than just maybe having a kid.
I think back in the days before internet, we were all connected so much more than we are now. Everything is too easy and we have mistaken connecting with people to browsing facebook walls, knowing info on profiles, but real connection, the kind where we pick up the phone and call is almost obsolete. Texting used to kind of be a way you communicated when you couldn't talk at all and you definitely didn't do it when you needed a favor or needed to talk about something important, but now you don't even need to buy a plan with a lot of minutes, because you don't need them. In a way, even though I use the internet all of the time, and am obviously blogging, I despise what it has done to good old fashioned friendship. I used to like to write REAL letters, but people got too busy to reply. I even would seek out my friends who went to jail just so I could have that connection, which inevitably led to an uncomfortable situation where they fell inlove with me.
This is MY blog, I can bitch all I want -I am saying this because I am thinking "God, you're such an emo blogger-These are things I can't tell any of my "friends", because then they will take it as a direct attack on them, but it's not. I crave human connection. I get so insecure about the idea of it all too, like am I interesting enough for people to like me? I'm not really quirky. I drive without the radio on and I don't have eyebrows, I would be the FAT friend now, not the sexy one I used to be. I don't dress in vintage clothes anymore, because I grew out of all of my favorite pieces. I dress in what fits and it's so depressing that so little does.
I'm not vying for sympathy, I am voicing my feelings. I don't need people telling me I'm beautiful, because there is no way I would believe it and I don't need people telling me looks isn't all there is because I know that, but deep inside, I want to feel sexy again and I don't see that ever happening, I want to go out without spanx on or be able to run around with my son without worrying that I'm jiggling everywhere. I'm sure if anyone skinny and fit is reading this, they are probably saying "well get off your ass and work out, eat better", and to you, that might be simple. I grew up homeschooled, I'm not used to schedules or discipline, I don't have a lot of drive. I try and don't see progress, so I give up. You know how everyone says "I'm not a quitter"? Well I am, and now I'm the girl I used to hate, the kind that hated herself and always complained about what she didn't like about herself. So not only do I hate myself, I hate that I hate myself.
The idea of having friends to talk to and know about music and actually enjoy listening to it ALL THE TIME, having an active blog life that consists of "catching up on favorite blogs", knowing where to look to find cool websites that aren't on pinterest of links on facebook, actually having a life outside of those two sites is so romantic to me.
My teenage self was pretty cool, I thought I had friends then, or at least people who wanted to say they were my friends. I guess those were my glory days. I don't have friends now, if the definition of a friend is someone who actually calls me, that idea in itself is kind of romantic. I watch girl-power movies sometimes and they always seem to have a group of girlfriends and I think, "do normal girls actually have that?" A support group of women that can relate to each other on more levels than just maybe having a kid.
I think back in the days before internet, we were all connected so much more than we are now. Everything is too easy and we have mistaken connecting with people to browsing facebook walls, knowing info on profiles, but real connection, the kind where we pick up the phone and call is almost obsolete. Texting used to kind of be a way you communicated when you couldn't talk at all and you definitely didn't do it when you needed a favor or needed to talk about something important, but now you don't even need to buy a plan with a lot of minutes, because you don't need them. In a way, even though I use the internet all of the time, and am obviously blogging, I despise what it has done to good old fashioned friendship. I used to like to write REAL letters, but people got too busy to reply. I even would seek out my friends who went to jail just so I could have that connection, which inevitably led to an uncomfortable situation where they fell inlove with me.
This is MY blog, I can bitch all I want -I am saying this because I am thinking "God, you're such an emo blogger-These are things I can't tell any of my "friends", because then they will take it as a direct attack on them, but it's not. I crave human connection. I get so insecure about the idea of it all too, like am I interesting enough for people to like me? I'm not really quirky. I drive without the radio on and I don't have eyebrows, I would be the FAT friend now, not the sexy one I used to be. I don't dress in vintage clothes anymore, because I grew out of all of my favorite pieces. I dress in what fits and it's so depressing that so little does.
I'm not vying for sympathy, I am voicing my feelings. I don't need people telling me I'm beautiful, because there is no way I would believe it and I don't need people telling me looks isn't all there is because I know that, but deep inside, I want to feel sexy again and I don't see that ever happening, I want to go out without spanx on or be able to run around with my son without worrying that I'm jiggling everywhere. I'm sure if anyone skinny and fit is reading this, they are probably saying "well get off your ass and work out, eat better", and to you, that might be simple. I grew up homeschooled, I'm not used to schedules or discipline, I don't have a lot of drive. I try and don't see progress, so I give up. You know how everyone says "I'm not a quitter"? Well I am, and now I'm the girl I used to hate, the kind that hated herself and always complained about what she didn't like about herself. So not only do I hate myself, I hate that I hate myself.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
13 Months Postpartum
Anyone that knows me well knows that when it came to delivering my baby, nothing went as planned. He went to the NICU for a week because his lungs collapsed as a result of the cord being wrapped around his neck twice.
What people that know me well probably didn't know was that for about 9 months afterwards, I suffered from some pretty intense postpartum depression. I went back to work early and didn't really develop a bond with my baby. Breastfeeding was very difficult and after a couple of months, I just couldn't do it. Noone ever tells you that you might not produce enough even if you have enormous boobs, which I do.
Life is so much better now. I finally moved out of my mother-in-law's house, which was a nightmare, to say the least. We have our own 2 br duplex now and Jesse finally got a really good job, so I was able to quit mine. Being at home has been wonderful and unexpected hard at the same time. You don't have nearly as much time as you think to do things, the day goes by really quickly and at the end of it, I always end up asking myself "what in the world did I do with all of those hours I had?".
Fall has set in and even though it is my favorite season, it has really put me into a funk, because Los Osos is very foggy and every day is grey. I find myself not wanting to wake up and then when I am up, I don't want to go outside or do anything productive. I really don't like that feeling at all. I feel like I am not doing anything with my life and I should be, even though raising a boy IS something, I still feel unfulfilled.
The biggest struggle I am dealing with right now is body issues. I have always been big and comfortable in my skin, but having a baby has messed so much with my self-perception, that there is literally NOTHING I like about myself, physically. I used to love fashion and dressing up, now I can't find anything that looks good on me and it doesn't help that my fiancee is a total fox. To make matters worse, since I have quit my job, which was very physical, I have gotten bigger. I sprained my ankle last week and am so afraid to do it again, so no more running, which was kind of humiliating anyway. I don't want to workout in front of people.
I always thought that if I had more time, I would get fit. That was always the excuse, but I find it harder because when I am at home, I don't have a routine. Mealtimes are not set and like I said, I don't like to go out when it's all grey.
I am starting to feel more lonely now too. When I was working and had a 2-hour commute. I knew it was my fault that I didn't have friends, I just didn't have time. Now, I do and I am lonely. It seems like everyone else has girlfriends but me and I really need someone to talk to. It seemed like I had such a big circle until I actually needed people, then it just got smaller and dumb. I forgot that I had a blog, so I figured if I posted something, at least I was KIND OF talking to someone, even if no one read it. God, that's pathetic.
What people that know me well probably didn't know was that for about 9 months afterwards, I suffered from some pretty intense postpartum depression. I went back to work early and didn't really develop a bond with my baby. Breastfeeding was very difficult and after a couple of months, I just couldn't do it. Noone ever tells you that you might not produce enough even if you have enormous boobs, which I do.
Life is so much better now. I finally moved out of my mother-in-law's house, which was a nightmare, to say the least. We have our own 2 br duplex now and Jesse finally got a really good job, so I was able to quit mine. Being at home has been wonderful and unexpected hard at the same time. You don't have nearly as much time as you think to do things, the day goes by really quickly and at the end of it, I always end up asking myself "what in the world did I do with all of those hours I had?".
Fall has set in and even though it is my favorite season, it has really put me into a funk, because Los Osos is very foggy and every day is grey. I find myself not wanting to wake up and then when I am up, I don't want to go outside or do anything productive. I really don't like that feeling at all. I feel like I am not doing anything with my life and I should be, even though raising a boy IS something, I still feel unfulfilled.
The biggest struggle I am dealing with right now is body issues. I have always been big and comfortable in my skin, but having a baby has messed so much with my self-perception, that there is literally NOTHING I like about myself, physically. I used to love fashion and dressing up, now I can't find anything that looks good on me and it doesn't help that my fiancee is a total fox. To make matters worse, since I have quit my job, which was very physical, I have gotten bigger. I sprained my ankle last week and am so afraid to do it again, so no more running, which was kind of humiliating anyway. I don't want to workout in front of people.
I always thought that if I had more time, I would get fit. That was always the excuse, but I find it harder because when I am at home, I don't have a routine. Mealtimes are not set and like I said, I don't like to go out when it's all grey.
I am starting to feel more lonely now too. When I was working and had a 2-hour commute. I knew it was my fault that I didn't have friends, I just didn't have time. Now, I do and I am lonely. It seems like everyone else has girlfriends but me and I really need someone to talk to. It seemed like I had such a big circle until I actually needed people, then it just got smaller and dumb. I forgot that I had a blog, so I figured if I posted something, at least I was KIND OF talking to someone, even if no one read it. God, that's pathetic.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
If you live long enough, you will see your heroes fall and the true colors in the ones you love, both good and bad. I've been trying to decide if I wanted to post what all happened today, because I don't want to actually discuss it out loud, but I want to write it somewhere. Maybe a diary would be best. Suffice it to say, I was served an eviction notice today by my father. That in itself says kind of a lot. However bleak it may look, I'm not going to let this situation make me weaker, I refuse to stress or let myself feel anything that will negatively effect my baby, but I'm more angry than hurt, and I think that is probably for the best. Some anger is motivating. I woke up early and got myself together mentally and took care of business today. Like I said, I'm not going to make this situation defeat me, after all, I'm an adult. Today was a beautiful day though and I started it off with pancakes. How could a day possibly go wrong when it's started off with pancakes? It can't.
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