Friday, November 29, 2013

Black Friday and other concerns

It is Black Friday, at least for another hour. I normally don't shop today, there is usually nothing I want enough to withstand long lines, abuse and overall havoc, so I stay home. I did shop today though and the best part was, there was virtually no lines. I bought a printer, a memory card, and a vacuum cleaner for 81 duckets on Later on, I went with my sister-in-law to the 99 cent store (they don't have black friday deals) in search of Christmas decorations and we hit the jackpot. I bought all of my Christmas tree ornaments, skirt, topper, and other decorations for under 30 dollars. The reason why I am so excited about this years' Christmas is that it is, one, my first year in my own place, and two, my first year decorating for Christmas and having a Christmas tree. We also got our tree today. I'm so excited about my tree that I am afraid that someone is going to steal it. I feel like a child, it is like Christmas has become new to me. Tomorrow we decorate and I can't even sleep, I'm so giddy. Edin and I are going to be equally amazed by our tree.

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Who I Wanted To Be

"You're the at only you, and that's what makes you special", what a true and useless line, right? That's what we say to kids to make them feel less insecure. I always believed that I was special, but I still wanted to be someone cooler than I was. I have always been funny, not to EVERYONE, but at least to myself, and I feel like a lot of the things that made me different and quirky were kind of an EFFORT.

The idea of having friends to talk to and know about music and actually enjoy listening to it ALL THE TIME, having an active blog life that consists of "catching up on favorite blogs", knowing where to look to find cool websites that aren't on pinterest of links on facebook, actually having a life outside of those two sites is so romantic to me.

My teenage self was pretty cool, I thought I had friends then, or at least people who wanted to say they were my friends. I guess those were my glory days. I don't have friends now, if the definition of a friend is someone who actually calls me, that idea in itself is kind of romantic. I watch girl-power movies sometimes and they always seem to have a group of girlfriends and I think, "do normal girls actually have that?" A support group of women that can relate to each other on more levels than just maybe having a kid.

I think back in the days before internet, we were all connected so much more than we are now. Everything is too easy and we have mistaken connecting with people to browsing facebook walls, knowing info on profiles, but real connection, the kind where we pick up the phone and call is almost obsolete. Texting used to kind of be a way you communicated when you couldn't talk at all and you definitely didn't do it when you needed a favor or needed to talk about something important, but now you don't even need to buy a plan with a lot of minutes, because you don't need them. In  a way, even though I use the internet all of the time, and am obviously blogging, I despise what it has done to good old fashioned friendship. I used to like to write REAL letters, but people got too busy to reply. I even would seek out my friends who went to jail just so I could have that connection, which inevitably led to an uncomfortable situation where they fell inlove with me.

This is MY blog, I can bitch all I want -I am saying this because I am thinking "God, you're such an emo blogger-These are things I can't tell any of my "friends", because then they will take it as a direct attack on them, but  it's not. I crave human connection. I get so insecure about the idea of it all too, like am I interesting enough for people to like me? I'm not really quirky. I drive without the radio on and I don't have eyebrows, I would be the FAT friend now, not the sexy one I used to be. I don't dress in vintage clothes anymore,  because I grew out of all of my favorite pieces. I dress in what fits and it's so depressing that so little does.

I'm not vying for sympathy, I am voicing my feelings. I don't need people telling me I'm beautiful, because there is no way I would believe it and I don't need people telling me looks isn't all there is because I know that, but deep inside, I want to feel sexy again and I don't see that ever happening, I want to go out without spanx on or be able to run around with my son without worrying that I'm jiggling everywhere. I'm sure if anyone skinny and fit is reading this, they are probably saying "well get off your ass and work out, eat better", and to you, that might be simple. I grew up homeschooled, I'm not used to  schedules or discipline, I don't have a lot of drive. I try and don't see progress, so I give up. You know how everyone says "I'm not a quitter"? Well I am, and now I'm the girl I used to hate, the kind that hated herself and always complained about what she didn't like about herself. So not only do I hate myself, I hate that I hate myself.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

13 Months Postpartum

Anyone that knows me well knows that when it came to delivering my baby, nothing went as planned. He went to the NICU for a week because his lungs collapsed as a result of the cord being wrapped around his neck twice.

What people that know me well probably didn't know was that for about 9 months afterwards, I suffered from some pretty intense postpartum depression. I went back to work early and didn't really develop a bond with my baby. Breastfeeding was very difficult and after a couple of months, I just couldn't do it. Noone ever tells you that you might not produce enough even if you have enormous boobs, which I do.

Life is so much better now. I finally moved out of my mother-in-law's house, which was a nightmare, to say the least. We have our own 2 br duplex now and Jesse finally got a really good job, so I was able to quit mine. Being at home has been wonderful and unexpected hard at the same time. You don't have nearly as much time as you think to do things, the day goes by really quickly and at the end of it, I always end up asking myself "what in the world did I do with all of those hours I had?".

Fall has set in and even though it is my favorite season, it has really put me into a funk, because Los Osos is very foggy and every day is grey. I find myself not wanting to wake up and then when I am up, I don't want to go outside or do anything productive. I really don't like that feeling at all. I feel like I am not doing anything with my life and I should be, even though raising a boy IS something, I still feel unfulfilled.

The biggest struggle I am dealing with right now is body issues. I have always been big and comfortable in my skin, but having a baby has messed so much with my self-perception, that there is literally NOTHING I like about myself, physically. I used to love fashion and dressing up, now I can't find anything that looks good on me and it doesn't help that my fiancee is a total fox. To make matters worse, since I have quit my job, which was very physical, I have gotten bigger. I sprained my ankle last week and am so afraid to do it again, so no more running, which was kind of humiliating anyway. I don't want to workout in front of people.

I always thought that if I had more time, I would get fit. That was always the excuse, but I find it harder because when I am at home, I don't have a routine. Mealtimes are not set and like I  said, I don't like to go out when it's all grey.

I am starting to feel more lonely now too. When I was working and had a 2-hour commute. I knew it was my fault that I didn't have friends, I  just didn't have time. Now, I do and I am lonely. It seems like everyone else has girlfriends but me and I really need someone to talk to. It seemed like I had such a big circle until I actually needed people, then it just got smaller and dumb. I forgot that I had a blog, so I figured if I posted something, at least I was KIND OF talking to someone, even if no one read it. God, that's pathetic.