Juice Fast

I feel sorry for anyone that reads my blogs. I could write this all in my journal, but one, it would take forever, and two, I seriously don't want to remember what it felt like after having a baby, emotionally, physically, and mentally.

I feel like I have a weight inside that I carry every day and it's not just because I'm heavier than I have ever been. Christians would tell me it is the void where God is supposed to be and going back to church and "doing right" will fix it, but that's not what it is. I have never been this unhappy with myself and I tell myself that it is because I hate the way I look, but I have never been that shallow. I always made fun of girls that were like that, with no confidence and the lack of ability to see themselves for who they truly are. I am now one of those people. The kind of person that puts herself down all the time, publicly. It is NOT because I want someone to tell me otherwise though. I know people get sick of it, so that's why I am saying everything here. I don't want to be that girl. I wish I could embrace who I have become, I am different now than I have ever been. Everything is harder, but my life is better objectively, I have a family, I have my own place, I don't HAVE to work anymore, but why do I feel so stuck? It's not a question really, I don't need a diagnosis.

I have been gaining weight steadily and it is definitely not normal. I think it is my birth control this time. It is funny because if I saw another woman with my body, I would think that she is beautiful. I still have all of my curves, but instead of an hourglass, I am more of a figure-8. I was so touched the other day when one of my friends told me that she thought I had a beautiful body, like Kim Kardashian. I almost cried.

Today, I started a 10 day juice fast. It was meant to kind of get me into the zone and phase me out of whites and junk. I carefully prepared my juice for the week and started. I was fine into breakfast, I kind of actually skipped the juice until about 12, then I guzzled it down without tasting it, I don't enjoy the taste. Then I attempted to go on an hour long walk. 45 minutes it, Edin got fussy, so there went that. I did it though. Hours went by, I preoccupied myself with this and that. I felt hungry, but not desperate, I thought "I can totally do this". Then hubby got home and he was hungry and grumpy, we kind of fought and I gave up. I had to go grocery shopping, plain and simple, who has that kind of discipline? Everyone on my fb seems to have done it and everyone is so encouraging, so I'm going to try it again, ease into it this time. See if I can go all day tomorrow. My brother kindly offered to give me some tips on losing weight and keeping it off. He and his wife are super fit. It's humiliating to be so helpless.

Babysitting

I babysat a 2-yr-old today and it made me realize that I am not cut out for multiple babies at a time...and I do not want girls. Her mommy told me that I have a beautiful body and it was the nicest thing I have heard from another woman in a long time. I must have gained 10 lbs during Thanksgiving. We had 4-5 dinners with all the trimmings. I didn't think I could get bigger.

My sister-in-law has a 6 pack and is a total exercise enthusiast. She has her own youtube channel and runs a fitness class that she ALWAYS invites me to. I'm at the point where I don't want to workout with other people, especially not fit people. I can push myself, but when my full effort is barely in the beginner section, it's humiliating. I don't know how to tell her that I just don't want to humiliate myself, I just end up making excuses. It kind of makes me feel worse about myself too because it seems like she invites me to do it WAYY too much, like she is trying to tell me something. When I know I can keep up and not be the least fit in the class, that is when I will feel comfortable. I know it's stupid, but I'm the kind of person that gets fit in levels and being fit enough to join a class or go to the gym is when I'm pretty damn fit. I'm definitely not there yet.

I read about something called Seasonal Affective Syndrome today. I had never heard of it, but it makes soo much sense and I think I have it. Ever since fall gloom set in, I don't want to go outside, I don't want to work out, and I'm just gloomy all of the time.

Punishment and Potty-training

I finally got everything decorated and it looks so nice. I love the bright color scheme we went with : Fuschia, lime green, baby blue, turquoise and purple. My house smells so good: Christmas trees and cinnamon (I got those yummy smelling pinecones and I'm still trying to figure out what I'm going to do with them). I painted my dresser ombre in shades of yellow chalk paint and it looks so good. I was so proud of myself. I also got these wall decals for my dining room area that have all kinds of bright colored kitchen utensils framing the word "Eat". It's about time my house reflected my personal style.

Kelly suggested that I start implementing punishment with a naughty chair. I didn't even think Edin was old enough to understand punishment. So I got a box and wrapped it in pretty wrapping paper and put it in the corner. I tried it with him today and when I put him on it, he lit up like a christmas tree, like I had done him a great service. The next time, he cried because he was afraid to get down but after a while, he calmed down and began to enjoy it. After that, he tried to put himself on it for kicks. I don't know about that boy...

Last night, I moved his pack 'n' play to our room because his room gets very cold. He cried a lot last night because he couldn't go back to sleep. This morning, he climbed out somehow. He is so sweet.e

He is fascinated with the tree, of course, and I feel bad punishing him for taking down the ornaments, because he tries to put them back.

Next week, I am going to get him a potty chair so we can officially start potty-training. So punishment and potty-training is starting all in the same week.