"You're the at only you, and that's what makes you special", what a true and useless line, right? That's what we say to kids to make them feel less insecure. I always believed that I was special, but I still wanted to be someone cooler than I was. I have always been funny, not to EVERYONE, but at least to myself, and I feel like a lot of the things that made me different and quirky were kind of an EFFORT.
The idea of having friends to talk to and know about music and actually enjoy listening to it ALL THE TIME, having an active blog life that consists of "catching up on favorite blogs", knowing where to look to find cool websites that aren't on pinterest of links on facebook, actually having a life outside of those two sites is so romantic to me.
My teenage self was pretty cool, I thought I had friends then, or at least people who wanted to say they were my friends. I guess those were my glory days. I don't have friends now, if the definition of a friend is someone who actually calls me, that idea in itself is kind of romantic. I watch girl-power movies sometimes and they always seem to have a group of girlfriends and I think, "do normal girls actually have that?" A support group of women that can relate to each other on more levels than just maybe having a kid.
I think back in the days before internet, we were all connected so much more than we are now. Everything is too easy and we have mistaken connecting with people to browsing facebook walls, knowing info on profiles, but real connection, the kind where we pick up the phone and call is almost obsolete. Texting used to kind of be a way you communicated when you couldn't talk at all and you definitely didn't do it when you needed a favor or needed to talk about something important, but now you don't even need to buy a plan with a lot of minutes, because you don't need them. In a way, even though I use the internet all of the time, and am obviously blogging, I despise what it has done to good old fashioned friendship. I used to like to write REAL letters, but people got too busy to reply. I even would seek out my friends who went to jail just so I could have that connection, which inevitably led to an uncomfortable situation where they fell inlove with me.
This is MY blog, I can bitch all I want -I am saying this because I am thinking "God, you're such an emo blogger-These are things I can't tell any of my "friends", because then they will take it as a direct attack on them, but it's not. I crave human connection. I get so insecure about the idea of it all too, like am I interesting enough for people to like me? I'm not really quirky. I drive without the radio on and I don't have eyebrows, I would be the FAT friend now, not the sexy one I used to be. I don't dress in vintage clothes anymore, because I grew out of all of my favorite pieces. I dress in what fits and it's so depressing that so little does.
I'm not vying for sympathy, I am voicing my feelings. I don't need people telling me I'm beautiful, because there is no way I would believe it and I don't need people telling me looks isn't all there is because I know that, but deep inside, I want to feel sexy again and I don't see that ever happening, I want to go out without spanx on or be able to run around with my son without worrying that I'm jiggling everywhere. I'm sure if anyone skinny and fit is reading this, they are probably saying "well get off your ass and work out, eat better", and to you, that might be simple. I grew up homeschooled, I'm not used to schedules or discipline, I don't have a lot of drive. I try and don't see progress, so I give up. You know how everyone says "I'm not a quitter"? Well I am, and now I'm the girl I used to hate, the kind that hated herself and always complained about what she didn't like about herself. So not only do I hate myself, I hate that I hate myself.