13 Months Postpartum

Anyone that knows me well knows that when it came to delivering my baby, nothing went as planned. He went to the NICU for a week because his lungs collapsed as a result of the cord being wrapped around his neck twice.

What people that know me well probably didn't know was that for about 9 months afterwards, I suffered from some pretty intense postpartum depression. I went back to work early and didn't really develop a bond with my baby. Breastfeeding was very difficult and after a couple of months, I just couldn't do it. Noone ever tells you that you might not produce enough even if you have enormous boobs, which I do.

Life is so much better now. I finally moved out of my mother-in-law's house, which was a nightmare, to say the least. We have our own 2 br duplex now and Jesse finally got a really good job, so I was able to quit mine. Being at home has been wonderful and unexpected hard at the same time. You don't have nearly as much time as you think to do things, the day goes by really quickly and at the end of it, I always end up asking myself "what in the world did I do with all of those hours I had?".

Fall has set in and even though it is my favorite season, it has really put me into a funk, because Los Osos is very foggy and every day is grey. I find myself not wanting to wake up and then when I am up, I don't want to go outside or do anything productive. I really don't like that feeling at all. I feel like I am not doing anything with my life and I should be, even though raising a boy IS something, I still feel unfulfilled.

The biggest struggle I am dealing with right now is body issues. I have always been big and comfortable in my skin, but having a baby has messed so much with my self-perception, that there is literally NOTHING I like about myself, physically. I used to love fashion and dressing up, now I can't find anything that looks good on me and it doesn't help that my fiancee is a total fox. To make matters worse, since I have quit my job, which was very physical, I have gotten bigger. I sprained my ankle last week and am so afraid to do it again, so no more running, which was kind of humiliating anyway. I don't want to workout in front of people.

I always thought that if I had more time, I would get fit. That was always the excuse, but I find it harder because when I am at home, I don't have a routine. Mealtimes are not set and like I  said, I don't like to go out when it's all grey.

I am starting to feel more lonely now too. When I was working and had a 2-hour commute. I knew it was my fault that I didn't have friends, I  just didn't have time. Now, I do and I am lonely. It seems like everyone else has girlfriends but me and I really need someone to talk to. It seemed like I had such a big circle until I actually needed people, then it just got smaller and dumb. I forgot that I had a blog, so I figured if I posted something, at least I was KIND OF talking to someone, even if no one read it. God, that's pathetic.