If you live long enough, you will see your heroes fall and the true colors in the ones you love, both good and bad. I've been trying to decide if I wanted to post what all happened today, because I don't want to actually discuss it out loud, but I want to write it somewhere. Maybe a diary would be best. Suffice it to say, I was served an eviction notice today by my father. That in itself says kind of a lot. However bleak it may look, I'm not going to let this situation make me weaker, I refuse to stress or let myself feel anything that will negatively effect my baby, but I'm more angry than hurt, and I think that is probably for the best. Some anger is motivating. I woke up early and got myself together mentally and took care of business today. Like I said, I'm not going to make this situation defeat me, after all, I'm an adult. Today was a beautiful day though and I started it off with pancakes. How could a day possibly go wrong when it's started off with pancakes? It can't.

27 weeks

Thanks Jacque for you advice about the baby welcoming party, so it looks like I'll be waiting at least a couple of weeks after the baby is born, I think I can manage. Beth and Caleb have graciously offered to host/plan the party, so that takes a huge load off of my back and thanks to Pinterest, I have no doubt we're going to have some awesome ideas to work with; I'm so addicted to that wonderful website.

  I officially have a full-size belly now and have to waddle most of the time, it's nice to be obviously pregnant, but the physical aspects really suck. My uterus has been my arch-nemesis this week, it' soo tight, it feels like someone has been blowing it up like a balloon and it makes it painful to turn in bed, sleeping on my side was aweful until I discovered that strategically-placed pillows work like magic.

Heat has started to effect me a lot more; I become claustrophic and full of anxiety, not to mention very grumpy when I'm forced to be in it. Today was the worst. I had to drive to Shandon (temps average 100+) to a place I had never been before. My AC ended up going out (I had never had a problem with it before) and we got lost with no reception. I was with my pregnant friend and we were both dying. My poor mom had a purple face. It ruined my day, I was sooo grumpy for the rest of the day that everyone annoyed me.

Work is getting harder and harder to do, I get so tired from walking around and my feet hurt alot. I'm going on maternity leave on September 15. I was going to try to thug it out until I could not possibly work anymore, but I have a feeling that they will not want to give me the Weekend of Sep. 22 off, which is when Beth and Caleb are getting married, so I had to plan a preemptive leave.

I accidentally missed my first appt. with my midwife and they had the wrong number, so they couldn't get a hold of me to remind me. So, it's not going to be until August 24 and the hospital tour is on the 19th. I have a feeling I'm going to wimp out and end up just pumping myself full of drugs, because the pain ALREADY sucks.

The coolest thing about this stage is being able to feel the baby with my fingers. He is full on changing positions all the time, I could swear he's doing Yoga. According to the tracker, he should be 10 inches long now and 2 lbs, which I'm kind of worried, because last month, he was already over 2 lbs. I don't want to give birth to a giant, but I might.

I plan on trying perineal stretching 10 weeks prior to the big day to reduce the likelihood of tearing...I asked Kelly if she would help me...I don't think she's going to, she just turned really red and started laughing embarrassingly. I told her if I tear, I'm going to blame her.

I've been in the company of several children this week and it is really stressful...I get anxiety...I wonder what I've gotten myself into, but it's too late to send him back ;) I'm definitely getting an IUD as soon as I recover from birth.

nearly 25 weeks

I'm back from my roadtrip with Amy. Overall it was a lot of fun, but involved a whole lot more stress than I thought it would...and lots of money, OMG I hadn't realized how expensive it is to travel. I'm glad to be back in my own bed though, I realized that there is no sleep like the kind you get at home.

So I've been thinking about a baby shower. The whole idea of planning a party is stressful for me, so I've been putting it off, but I know I need to get started. I started looking up ideas and I thought the idea of a Baby Welcome Party would be nice, so everyone could actually SEE the baby when they come. Also, it would give me time. Also, mine and Jesse's bdays are around that time, so it would be a perfect time to be around friends. Thoughts? Ideas?

23 Weeks

IT'S A BOYYYYYY!!!!

Of course, the very day we are set to find out, we get lost and can't find the office, so we all (Kelly, my mom, Jesse, and me) were late. It was in a doctor's office and we were seen by a specialist. He was so professional and thorough. I did NOT expect to see my son in 3D, IT WAS SOO COOL! He was practicing breastfeeding, just sucking away. Here's some pics of my baby boy, isn't he perfect?
Of course, my scanner isn't working, so these are just pictures of pictures.

21 Weeks

My belly has popped out with a vengeance, but does not have that cute little round look, it's like the WHOLE enchilada, especially after I eat. I can't fit into my old clothes now. Only some of them that hang reaaally low or the stretchy ones. So I guess it's stretchy skirt time.

Jesse is so sweet, he says he thinks I'm even more beautiful pregnant. It's nice to have that validation as I'm rapidly losing my hourglass, but it's all worth it already. I watched a natural birth video yesterday and cried. Not because it looked painful, but it's just like crazy to think that I actually have a life living inside of me.

Yesterday, I really took care of business and probably worked more than I should have. Our garage is a scene out of hoarders and I rearranged a clean space so that I could put my dresser and a portable closet in there. I have decided to completely empty out my closet to put the crib in there. I got the idea from pinterest. It will be it's own little space.

So, I emptied out my closet, and put the dresser and everything that was in the closet in the garage. Well, almost. I have some odds and ends to go through.

I also bought a crib yesterday. I got such a great deal on it. It was in Paso Robles, which is about 30 minutes from here, listed for $50, but there was a desperation to get rid of it, so when we got there, I asked if she would take $40 and she said yes. So now I have a crib and a mattress. All I have to do now is decide on the paint colors on the inside of the closet. I don't want to base it off the gender either. So there is still lots to do, but I got a huge chunk of it done yesterday and slept in extra late today, apparently my body was exhausted.

19 weeks? Gender Reveal...in one month.

21 weeks

I'm popping out now and the baby is moving. It's sooo weird and foreign. My belly is hard. The other night, while I was laying on my back, the baby decided to relocate to the right side of my tummy, so my stomach was all lopsided. It's so weird to think that there's a person inside me!

Hormones

The hormones have hit...HAAAARD! It feels so awful. I get soo angry about trivial things that I know are trivial, but I can't escape the way I feel, because it's so real. I get sad and I can't stop crying, then I do stop crying, only to think about something else and start crying. My PMS did not even BEGIN to prepare me for THIS. When I'm in these moods, I hate myself, but I can't stop myself from being in whatever mood I am. I was angry for 5 hours straight at work, I hated everything. The next day I got in a fight with my mom because she sympathized with the neighbor who parked in my spot; the one that goes into our driveway. When I come home from an AWFUL day of work, I have to park all the way down the street. I hate college students who do nothing but party, I hate neighbors who park in my spot. I'm just waiting for the day that I lose it. Hormones make me HATE MYSELF!

16 weeks

you can't really see, so I guess pics are pointless. I've started to develop a tiny pooch. It just looks like I got fatter. Supposedly in the next couples of weeks, the baby is going to double in size. Right now, it is the size of an avocado. We've taken to calling her, obviously, "avocado". So, soon I will start to know what it's like to have my belly touched all the time, something I have never liked by reason of my density, but it's not about me anymore, so that's good.

Curious Phenomenon Week 15

...So what happened was as soon as I stood up, everything went back to normal. Triiiippy right?

Hardening Uterus

So I was feeling my stomach yesterday (which still hasn't grown out) and I felt something hard all around the lower part. My mom says that my uterus is hardening. This morning, I got all excited because I felt it again and I felt a hard little mound. It was a false alarm though cuz when I stood up it disappeared. At 3 1/2 months, I still weigh the same, probably because I haven't been eating for two. I figure I only need 1500 calories, so my standard day's worth of food most likely covers me and the baby. What is puzzling to me though is that it seems like my breasts have grown considerably and my stomach and hips have somewhat grown as far as thickness, but I haven't gained weight. It's odd. Meanwhile, the pram is in the mail, so I should be getting it hopefully this week!

So angry. I FINALLY bought a phone off of ebay and I've had it for maybe 2 days and it's already broken. I have such rotten luck with phones. Luckily, I should be able to return it. I'm demanding an upgrade for my troubles! ;)

Pram!

So that dream pram I talked about was originally posted for $330 plus $70 shipping, so instead of buying it on impulse, I just watched it. It was reposted for $199 and I snatched it up, I'm so excited! It's worth so much more than that, it has so many accessories. I wish I could post picture, but I couldn't save the ones on the post. I'll post pictures as soon as I get it. I know it's early, but this was such a good deal!

This is where the lows begin. When I just start thinking about it all. I'm sooo sad. I shouldn't be, but I'm so down these days.

Now everyone knows

I just had one more person to tell and that was Josh. Conveniently enough, he was set to preach for us this Sunday. I hid my prenatal vitamins behind my homemade stretch-mark cream and went to work. He was set to arrive around 6pm today. I come home from work to hear weeping in my room and I didn't know if it's because he found out or because he was praying. Turns out it was both. But it also turns out that he knew before I did and didn't want to intervene. But when he got here, he couldn't hold it in...I didn't even have to tell him, God had already told him months before, giving him a lot of time to deal with it; more than I have! Now I don't have to stress anymore, everyone that is important knows. Thank God.

I'm kind of bummed out today. I told my dad a couple days ago and it seems like he's kind of trying to forget about it or distance himself from the whole idea, like it's not happening. He told me not to be public about it and that it would help him and my mom (but my mom is telling everyone and is super happy). I didn't want it to be very public either, that's why I got off facebook, but at the same time, I wanted to share my journey with people I care about. I just can't help but feel like he's just ashamed of me or something. We were talking at the breakfast table about the baby and how my mom is already planning to have a bassinet in her room and my dad just shook his head and said "it's wayy too soon to be talking like that...I'm trying to be nice, so I'm not going to say anything". It was almost like he was saying that the baby might die before then, so we shouldn't make plans. I don't know. I'm aware that I'm very sensitive during this time, so I can't read into things too much, but I'm just hoping that he comes to terms with things while I'm still pregnant. I know it's only been a couple days and things are going to get better, but meanwhile, I'm bummed.

Pram obsession

So last night, though it WAS my intention to go to sleep, I became obsessed with finding a pram for my baby. I hate modern strollers, they are so chunky and tacky-looking to me. I've ALWAYS wanted a pram, old-fashioned metal frame, big wheels with a bassinet. My heart fell when I discovered how much they cost new, but I got on ebay and last night I found some great deals (compared to the MSRP). Suffice it to say, I stayed up until 3am trying to find the perfect pram for my baby and I think I found it. I have two days now to decide if I want to lay down $470 on the perfect stroller. It has all of the attachments, bassinet and stroller, it looks comfortable, it's my dream stroller and gender neutral...then I tell myself 'I have plenty of time'.

Dream Pram

Fortune

It was so ironic, because we were at a Chinese restaurant when I planned to tell my dad and he shared his fortune cookie with me, this is what it said: "Happy events will take place shortly in your home"

Ultrasound and telling daddy (13 weeks)

Surprise Pap Smear

If there was anything in the world that would serve as an awful surprise, it would be a surprise pap smear. I arrived at my appt, eager to see my baby for the first time and they hand me some folded paper and tell me to strip down...But better days lay ahead, tomorrow we see our baby for the first time. Jesse got to hear the heartbeat yesterday. It's unreal every time. I plan to steal my dad's camera for tomorrow' ultrasound, so you can all see.

Attitude and gas!

OMG I'M SO MEAN NOW!!! It's aweful and ugly, I turn into a beast at the turn of a dime. Poor Jesse, I feel like I'm going to destroy our relationship by the time this baby comes out with the things I say. And I'm going to be completely honest with this, because I don't know if it's common in pregnancy or not, but...I get the WORST gas now, like...I could probably kill someone with it! It's embarassing and gross. That's all I have for today. Tomorrow is my first ultrasound and the first time Jesse will hear the baby's heartbeat. I'm hoping to record it so you guys can hear it too. Another thing, I slept in till 1:10 today! I couldn't believe it. It was such deep sleep too. Ok I gotta get ready for work.

Stretch Mark Cream

I'm worried about stretch mark so I've gotten to making some cream before they ever have a chance. I'm just messing with proportions and not following a recipe or anything. I haven't been able to get any pics up, so this video should show my size as well as my unproportioned recipe.

Orientation

last week I had my orientation. I got all these forms on diet, exercise, breastfeeding, etc. I don't have my ultrasound till next week and I still haven't told everyone in my family. They say I'm 11 weeks, but I think they are right, I think I'm more like 9 weeks, which explains why I haven't gained any weight, rather lost it. I kind of wish I was 11 weeks though, because I would rather gain weight slower than faster.

Yesterday, I bought a big giant box from Walmart and am starting to pack up all my skinny clothes. I'm going to let the girls from my church go shopping in my room :( I'm so sad, I have such cute clothes. Yesterday I wore a yellow 50's summer dress for what I feel like is the last time. Luckily, I still have cute clothes that will fit into much of my pregnancy.

I'm already getting ahead of myself shopping wise, I've had to stop myself from buying stuff that I will not need until the baby gets here. Instead, I have compiled a list of what I will need. I keep looking on craigslist for baby furniture.

I've been getting hungry ALOT, luckily no cravings yet, but hunger sucks, especially at work, because there is nothing I can do about it. I get hungry about 5 times a day and food tastes SOOOO good. It's incredible how good food tastes, especially when you get what you feel like eating. I'm enjoying it alot. I don't eat alot of meals, I mostly snack a lot. I'm hungry right now, so I will end this. On the 10th of April, I will see the baby for the first time and get a better estimate of how far along I am. I'm excited and nervous.

11 weeks in

I found out last Thursday, the 22nd of March, 2012, that I am pregnant. Today, I had my first appt. Turns out, I'm 11 weeks along. I was able to hear the baby's heartbeat 182 beats/minute! It was soo fast and surreal. I wish someone had been there with me so that I would feel comfortable crying. I didn't cry until I was on my way home. It makes it so much more real. I haven't started showing yet. My boobs look a little more full and I've been MISERABLY tired. No morning sickness, just lost my appetite the first month. I've lost 6 lbs. I've gotta start taking pictures.The due date is set to be around October 19th, mine is on the 26th and baby daddy's is 31st.

Right now, I've got a lot of planning. I plan to have a natural childbirth, but Jesse has a HUGE head...so I'm worried...it might not happen. I would like to not use drugs, but...we'll see when it all comes down to it, I'll probably give in. I want to breastfeed and use washable diapers...lots of planning is in order, 6 months goes by very quickly.

I need to start wearing all my favorite clothes now before I start getting bigger. That emerald sequin dress needs to be worn, for sure. Now to find an occasion.

Final product

This cake took my soul. It took sooo long to make it and seemed like everything went wrong. Originally, it was 3 tiers, but at 3am the night before, when I went to stack them, even with the dowels and cardboard, the bottom collapsed. I hyperventilated. It was such a traumatic experience for me that I haven't made a cake since. Now, we are undergoing a kitchen remodel and don't have a stove, so even if I wanted to, I couldn't. My brother is getting married this year and he has asked me to make cupcakes. I feel like cupcakes are easier, more forgiving and if all goes wrong, you won't feel bad scrapping it...so hopefully they turn out well.