I feel sorry for anyone that reads my blogs. I could write this all in my journal, but one, it would take forever, and two, I seriously don't want to remember what it felt like after having a baby, emotionally, physically, and mentally.
I feel like I have a weight inside that I carry every day and it's not just because I'm heavier than I have ever been. Christians would tell me it is the void where God is supposed to be and going back to church and "doing right" will fix it, but that's not what it is. I have never been this unhappy with myself and I tell myself that it is because I hate the way I look, but I have never been that shallow. I always made fun of girls that were like that, with no confidence and the lack of ability to see themselves for who they truly are. I am now one of those people. The kind of person that puts herself down all the time, publicly. It is NOT because I want someone to tell me otherwise though. I know people get sick of it, so that's why I am saying everything here. I don't want to be that girl. I wish I could embrace who I have become, I am different now than I have ever been. Everything is harder, but my life is better objectively, I have a family, I have my own place, I don't HAVE to work anymore, but why do I feel so stuck? It's not a question really, I don't need a diagnosis.
I have been gaining weight steadily and it is definitely not normal. I think it is my birth control this time. It is funny because if I saw another woman with my body, I would think that she is beautiful. I still have all of my curves, but instead of an hourglass, I am more of a figure-8. I was so touched the other day when one of my friends told me that she thought I had a beautiful body, like Kim Kardashian. I almost cried.
Today, I started a 10 day juice fast. It was meant to kind of get me into the zone and phase me out of whites and junk. I carefully prepared my juice for the week and started. I was fine into breakfast, I kind of actually skipped the juice until about 12, then I guzzled it down without tasting it, I don't enjoy the taste. Then I attempted to go on an hour long walk. 45 minutes it, Edin got fussy, so there went that. I did it though. Hours went by, I preoccupied myself with this and that. I felt hungry, but not desperate, I thought "I can totally do this". Then hubby got home and he was hungry and grumpy, we kind of fought and I gave up. I had to go grocery shopping, plain and simple, who has that kind of discipline? Everyone on my fb seems to have done it and everyone is so encouraging, so I'm going to try it again, ease into it this time. See if I can go all day tomorrow. My brother kindly offered to give me some tips on losing weight and keeping it off. He and his wife are super fit. It's humiliating to be so helpless.