Friday, November 29, 2013
Black Friday and other concerns
It is Black Friday, at least for another hour. I normally don't shop today, there is usually nothing I want enough to withstand long lines, abuse and overall havoc, so I stay home. I did shop today though and the best part was, there was virtually no lines. I bought a printer, a memory card, and a vacuum cleaner for 81 duckets on Walmart.com. Later on, I went with my sister-in-law to the 99 cent store (they don't have black friday deals) in search of Christmas decorations and we hit the jackpot. I bought all of my Christmas tree ornaments, skirt, topper, and other decorations for under 30 dollars. The reason why I am so excited about this years' Christmas is that it is, one, my first year in my own place, and two, my first year decorating for Christmas and having a Christmas tree. We also got our tree today. I'm so excited about my tree that I am afraid that someone is going to steal it. I feel like a child, it is like Christmas has become new to me. Tomorrow we decorate and I can't even sleep, I'm so giddy. Edin and I are going to be equally amazed by our tree.
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Who I Wanted To Be
"You're the at only you, and that's what makes you special", what a true and useless line, right? That's what we say to kids to make them feel less insecure. I always believed that I was special, but I still wanted to be someone cooler than I was. I have always been funny, not to EVERYONE, but at least to myself, and I feel like a lot of the things that made me different and quirky were kind of an EFFORT.
The idea of having friends to talk to and know about music and actually enjoy listening to it ALL THE TIME, having an active blog life that consists of "catching up on favorite blogs", knowing where to look to find cool websites that aren't on pinterest of links on facebook, actually having a life outside of those two sites is so romantic to me.
My teenage self was pretty cool, I thought I had friends then, or at least people who wanted to say they were my friends. I guess those were my glory days. I don't have friends now, if the definition of a friend is someone who actually calls me, that idea in itself is kind of romantic. I watch girl-power movies sometimes and they always seem to have a group of girlfriends and I think, "do normal girls actually have that?" A support group of women that can relate to each other on more levels than just maybe having a kid.
I think back in the days before internet, we were all connected so much more than we are now. Everything is too easy and we have mistaken connecting with people to browsing facebook walls, knowing info on profiles, but real connection, the kind where we pick up the phone and call is almost obsolete. Texting used to kind of be a way you communicated when you couldn't talk at all and you definitely didn't do it when you needed a favor or needed to talk about something important, but now you don't even need to buy a plan with a lot of minutes, because you don't need them. In a way, even though I use the internet all of the time, and am obviously blogging, I despise what it has done to good old fashioned friendship. I used to like to write REAL letters, but people got too busy to reply. I even would seek out my friends who went to jail just so I could have that connection, which inevitably led to an uncomfortable situation where they fell inlove with me.
This is MY blog, I can bitch all I want -I am saying this because I am thinking "God, you're such an emo blogger-These are things I can't tell any of my "friends", because then they will take it as a direct attack on them, but it's not. I crave human connection. I get so insecure about the idea of it all too, like am I interesting enough for people to like me? I'm not really quirky. I drive without the radio on and I don't have eyebrows, I would be the FAT friend now, not the sexy one I used to be. I don't dress in vintage clothes anymore, because I grew out of all of my favorite pieces. I dress in what fits and it's so depressing that so little does.
I'm not vying for sympathy, I am voicing my feelings. I don't need people telling me I'm beautiful, because there is no way I would believe it and I don't need people telling me looks isn't all there is because I know that, but deep inside, I want to feel sexy again and I don't see that ever happening, I want to go out without spanx on or be able to run around with my son without worrying that I'm jiggling everywhere. I'm sure if anyone skinny and fit is reading this, they are probably saying "well get off your ass and work out, eat better", and to you, that might be simple. I grew up homeschooled, I'm not used to schedules or discipline, I don't have a lot of drive. I try and don't see progress, so I give up. You know how everyone says "I'm not a quitter"? Well I am, and now I'm the girl I used to hate, the kind that hated herself and always complained about what she didn't like about herself. So not only do I hate myself, I hate that I hate myself.
The idea of having friends to talk to and know about music and actually enjoy listening to it ALL THE TIME, having an active blog life that consists of "catching up on favorite blogs", knowing where to look to find cool websites that aren't on pinterest of links on facebook, actually having a life outside of those two sites is so romantic to me.
My teenage self was pretty cool, I thought I had friends then, or at least people who wanted to say they were my friends. I guess those were my glory days. I don't have friends now, if the definition of a friend is someone who actually calls me, that idea in itself is kind of romantic. I watch girl-power movies sometimes and they always seem to have a group of girlfriends and I think, "do normal girls actually have that?" A support group of women that can relate to each other on more levels than just maybe having a kid.
I think back in the days before internet, we were all connected so much more than we are now. Everything is too easy and we have mistaken connecting with people to browsing facebook walls, knowing info on profiles, but real connection, the kind where we pick up the phone and call is almost obsolete. Texting used to kind of be a way you communicated when you couldn't talk at all and you definitely didn't do it when you needed a favor or needed to talk about something important, but now you don't even need to buy a plan with a lot of minutes, because you don't need them. In a way, even though I use the internet all of the time, and am obviously blogging, I despise what it has done to good old fashioned friendship. I used to like to write REAL letters, but people got too busy to reply. I even would seek out my friends who went to jail just so I could have that connection, which inevitably led to an uncomfortable situation where they fell inlove with me.
This is MY blog, I can bitch all I want -I am saying this because I am thinking "God, you're such an emo blogger-These are things I can't tell any of my "friends", because then they will take it as a direct attack on them, but it's not. I crave human connection. I get so insecure about the idea of it all too, like am I interesting enough for people to like me? I'm not really quirky. I drive without the radio on and I don't have eyebrows, I would be the FAT friend now, not the sexy one I used to be. I don't dress in vintage clothes anymore, because I grew out of all of my favorite pieces. I dress in what fits and it's so depressing that so little does.
I'm not vying for sympathy, I am voicing my feelings. I don't need people telling me I'm beautiful, because there is no way I would believe it and I don't need people telling me looks isn't all there is because I know that, but deep inside, I want to feel sexy again and I don't see that ever happening, I want to go out without spanx on or be able to run around with my son without worrying that I'm jiggling everywhere. I'm sure if anyone skinny and fit is reading this, they are probably saying "well get off your ass and work out, eat better", and to you, that might be simple. I grew up homeschooled, I'm not used to schedules or discipline, I don't have a lot of drive. I try and don't see progress, so I give up. You know how everyone says "I'm not a quitter"? Well I am, and now I'm the girl I used to hate, the kind that hated herself and always complained about what she didn't like about herself. So not only do I hate myself, I hate that I hate myself.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
13 Months Postpartum
Anyone that knows me well knows that when it came to delivering my baby, nothing went as planned. He went to the NICU for a week because his lungs collapsed as a result of the cord being wrapped around his neck twice.
What people that know me well probably didn't know was that for about 9 months afterwards, I suffered from some pretty intense postpartum depression. I went back to work early and didn't really develop a bond with my baby. Breastfeeding was very difficult and after a couple of months, I just couldn't do it. Noone ever tells you that you might not produce enough even if you have enormous boobs, which I do.
Life is so much better now. I finally moved out of my mother-in-law's house, which was a nightmare, to say the least. We have our own 2 br duplex now and Jesse finally got a really good job, so I was able to quit mine. Being at home has been wonderful and unexpected hard at the same time. You don't have nearly as much time as you think to do things, the day goes by really quickly and at the end of it, I always end up asking myself "what in the world did I do with all of those hours I had?".
Fall has set in and even though it is my favorite season, it has really put me into a funk, because Los Osos is very foggy and every day is grey. I find myself not wanting to wake up and then when I am up, I don't want to go outside or do anything productive. I really don't like that feeling at all. I feel like I am not doing anything with my life and I should be, even though raising a boy IS something, I still feel unfulfilled.
The biggest struggle I am dealing with right now is body issues. I have always been big and comfortable in my skin, but having a baby has messed so much with my self-perception, that there is literally NOTHING I like about myself, physically. I used to love fashion and dressing up, now I can't find anything that looks good on me and it doesn't help that my fiancee is a total fox. To make matters worse, since I have quit my job, which was very physical, I have gotten bigger. I sprained my ankle last week and am so afraid to do it again, so no more running, which was kind of humiliating anyway. I don't want to workout in front of people.
I always thought that if I had more time, I would get fit. That was always the excuse, but I find it harder because when I am at home, I don't have a routine. Mealtimes are not set and like I said, I don't like to go out when it's all grey.
I am starting to feel more lonely now too. When I was working and had a 2-hour commute. I knew it was my fault that I didn't have friends, I just didn't have time. Now, I do and I am lonely. It seems like everyone else has girlfriends but me and I really need someone to talk to. It seemed like I had such a big circle until I actually needed people, then it just got smaller and dumb. I forgot that I had a blog, so I figured if I posted something, at least I was KIND OF talking to someone, even if no one read it. God, that's pathetic.
What people that know me well probably didn't know was that for about 9 months afterwards, I suffered from some pretty intense postpartum depression. I went back to work early and didn't really develop a bond with my baby. Breastfeeding was very difficult and after a couple of months, I just couldn't do it. Noone ever tells you that you might not produce enough even if you have enormous boobs, which I do.
Life is so much better now. I finally moved out of my mother-in-law's house, which was a nightmare, to say the least. We have our own 2 br duplex now and Jesse finally got a really good job, so I was able to quit mine. Being at home has been wonderful and unexpected hard at the same time. You don't have nearly as much time as you think to do things, the day goes by really quickly and at the end of it, I always end up asking myself "what in the world did I do with all of those hours I had?".
Fall has set in and even though it is my favorite season, it has really put me into a funk, because Los Osos is very foggy and every day is grey. I find myself not wanting to wake up and then when I am up, I don't want to go outside or do anything productive. I really don't like that feeling at all. I feel like I am not doing anything with my life and I should be, even though raising a boy IS something, I still feel unfulfilled.
The biggest struggle I am dealing with right now is body issues. I have always been big and comfortable in my skin, but having a baby has messed so much with my self-perception, that there is literally NOTHING I like about myself, physically. I used to love fashion and dressing up, now I can't find anything that looks good on me and it doesn't help that my fiancee is a total fox. To make matters worse, since I have quit my job, which was very physical, I have gotten bigger. I sprained my ankle last week and am so afraid to do it again, so no more running, which was kind of humiliating anyway. I don't want to workout in front of people.
I always thought that if I had more time, I would get fit. That was always the excuse, but I find it harder because when I am at home, I don't have a routine. Mealtimes are not set and like I said, I don't like to go out when it's all grey.
I am starting to feel more lonely now too. When I was working and had a 2-hour commute. I knew it was my fault that I didn't have friends, I just didn't have time. Now, I do and I am lonely. It seems like everyone else has girlfriends but me and I really need someone to talk to. It seemed like I had such a big circle until I actually needed people, then it just got smaller and dumb. I forgot that I had a blog, so I figured if I posted something, at least I was KIND OF talking to someone, even if no one read it. God, that's pathetic.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
If you live long enough, you will see your heroes fall and the true colors in the ones you love, both good and bad. I've been trying to decide if I wanted to post what all happened today, because I don't want to actually discuss it out loud, but I want to write it somewhere. Maybe a diary would be best. Suffice it to say, I was served an eviction notice today by my father. That in itself says kind of a lot. However bleak it may look, I'm not going to let this situation make me weaker, I refuse to stress or let myself feel anything that will negatively effect my baby, but I'm more angry than hurt, and I think that is probably for the best. Some anger is motivating. I woke up early and got myself together mentally and took care of business today. Like I said, I'm not going to make this situation defeat me, after all, I'm an adult. Today was a beautiful day though and I started it off with pancakes. How could a day possibly go wrong when it's started off with pancakes? It can't.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
27 weeks
Thanks Jacque for you advice about the baby welcoming party, so it looks like I'll be waiting at least a couple of weeks after the baby is born, I think I can manage. Beth and Caleb have graciously offered to host/plan the party, so that takes a huge load off of my back and thanks to Pinterest, I have no doubt we're going to have some awesome ideas to work with; I'm so addicted to that wonderful website.
I officially have a full-size belly now and have to waddle most of the time, it's nice to be obviously pregnant, but the physical aspects really suck. My uterus has been my arch-nemesis this week, it' soo tight, it feels like someone has been blowing it up like a balloon and it makes it painful to turn in bed, sleeping on my side was aweful until I discovered that strategically-placed pillows work like magic.
Heat has started to effect me a lot more; I become claustrophic and full of anxiety, not to mention very grumpy when I'm forced to be in it. Today was the worst. I had to drive to Shandon (temps average 100+) to a place I had never been before. My AC ended up going out (I had never had a problem with it before) and we got lost with no reception. I was with my pregnant friend and we were both dying. My poor mom had a purple face. It ruined my day, I was sooo grumpy for the rest of the day that everyone annoyed me.
Work is getting harder and harder to do, I get so tired from walking around and my feet hurt alot. I'm going on maternity leave on September 15. I was going to try to thug it out until I could not possibly work anymore, but I have a feeling that they will not want to give me the Weekend of Sep. 22 off, which is when Beth and Caleb are getting married, so I had to plan a preemptive leave.
I accidentally missed my first appt. with my midwife and they had the wrong number, so they couldn't get a hold of me to remind me. So, it's not going to be until August 24 and the hospital tour is on the 19th. I have a feeling I'm going to wimp out and end up just pumping myself full of drugs, because the pain ALREADY sucks.
The coolest thing about this stage is being able to feel the baby with my fingers. He is full on changing positions all the time, I could swear he's doing Yoga. According to the tracker, he should be 10 inches long now and 2 lbs, which I'm kind of worried, because last month, he was already over 2 lbs. I don't want to give birth to a giant, but I might.
I plan on trying perineal stretching 10 weeks prior to the big day to reduce the likelihood of tearing...I asked Kelly if she would help me...I don't think she's going to, she just turned really red and started laughing embarrassingly. I told her if I tear, I'm going to blame her.
I've been in the company of several children this week and it is really stressful...I get anxiety...I wonder what I've gotten myself into, but it's too late to send him back ;) I'm definitely getting an IUD as soon as I recover from birth.
I officially have a full-size belly now and have to waddle most of the time, it's nice to be obviously pregnant, but the physical aspects really suck. My uterus has been my arch-nemesis this week, it' soo tight, it feels like someone has been blowing it up like a balloon and it makes it painful to turn in bed, sleeping on my side was aweful until I discovered that strategically-placed pillows work like magic.
Heat has started to effect me a lot more; I become claustrophic and full of anxiety, not to mention very grumpy when I'm forced to be in it. Today was the worst. I had to drive to Shandon (temps average 100+) to a place I had never been before. My AC ended up going out (I had never had a problem with it before) and we got lost with no reception. I was with my pregnant friend and we were both dying. My poor mom had a purple face. It ruined my day, I was sooo grumpy for the rest of the day that everyone annoyed me.
Work is getting harder and harder to do, I get so tired from walking around and my feet hurt alot. I'm going on maternity leave on September 15. I was going to try to thug it out until I could not possibly work anymore, but I have a feeling that they will not want to give me the Weekend of Sep. 22 off, which is when Beth and Caleb are getting married, so I had to plan a preemptive leave.
I accidentally missed my first appt. with my midwife and they had the wrong number, so they couldn't get a hold of me to remind me. So, it's not going to be until August 24 and the hospital tour is on the 19th. I have a feeling I'm going to wimp out and end up just pumping myself full of drugs, because the pain ALREADY sucks.
The coolest thing about this stage is being able to feel the baby with my fingers. He is full on changing positions all the time, I could swear he's doing Yoga. According to the tracker, he should be 10 inches long now and 2 lbs, which I'm kind of worried, because last month, he was already over 2 lbs. I don't want to give birth to a giant, but I might.
I plan on trying perineal stretching 10 weeks prior to the big day to reduce the likelihood of tearing...I asked Kelly if she would help me...I don't think she's going to, she just turned really red and started laughing embarrassingly. I told her if I tear, I'm going to blame her.
I've been in the company of several children this week and it is really stressful...I get anxiety...I wonder what I've gotten myself into, but it's too late to send him back ;) I'm definitely getting an IUD as soon as I recover from birth.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
nearly 25 weeks
I'm back from my roadtrip with Amy. Overall it was a lot of fun, but involved a whole lot more stress than I thought it would...and lots of money, OMG I hadn't realized how expensive it is to travel. I'm glad to be back in my own bed though, I realized that there is no sleep like the kind you get at home.
So I've been thinking about a baby shower. The whole idea of planning a party is stressful for me, so I've been putting it off, but I know I need to get started. I started looking up ideas and I thought the idea of a Baby Welcome Party would be nice, so everyone could actually SEE the baby when they come. Also, it would give me time. Also, mine and Jesse's bdays are around that time, so it would be a perfect time to be around friends. Thoughts? Ideas?
So I've been thinking about a baby shower. The whole idea of planning a party is stressful for me, so I've been putting it off, but I know I need to get started. I started looking up ideas and I thought the idea of a Baby Welcome Party would be nice, so everyone could actually SEE the baby when they come. Also, it would give me time. Also, mine and Jesse's bdays are around that time, so it would be a perfect time to be around friends. Thoughts? Ideas?
Saturday, July 14, 2012
23 Weeks
IT'S A BOYYYYYY!!!!
Of course, the very day we are set to find out, we get lost and can't find the office, so we all (Kelly, my mom, Jesse, and me) were late. It was in a doctor's office and we were seen by a specialist. He was so professional and thorough. I did NOT expect to see my son in 3D, IT WAS SOO COOL! He was practicing breastfeeding, just sucking away. Here's some pics of my baby boy, isn't he perfect?
Of course, my scanner isn't working, so these are just pictures of pictures.
Of course, my scanner isn't working, so these are just pictures of pictures.
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